The Deal I Made with God - Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I’ve always wanted to get married and have children. When I was around thirty, I still wasn’t married, but at that point I decided to try and do things God’s way. What did I have to lose? My way certainly wasn’t working. I’d always hoped to wait to be intimate until after I married. As you can probably guess – the relationships I had in those days didn’t last very long. Some of those guys would say they liked the idea, but the subject of sex still kept rearing its ugly head—often. But that’s okay; it’s obvious that none of them was the right one for me anyway.

When I started dating the man I finally married, he said no one had ever asked him to wait to sleep together until marriage. We really liked each other so we waited. We have now been married many years, and he is the perfect match for me. I feel we have been incredibly blessed to be together. We wanted to have children and actually tried for a few years. A friend shared a book with me called: Taking Charge of your Fertility, which had worked for her and some of her friends. I think everyone should read this book just for the information it offers. I found it helpful to know and understand my body. It actually shows you when you can get pregnant or how to prevent it, using an all-natural approach. But even using that approach, I still had trouble getting pregnant. My doctor told me I was probably getting pregnant and then losing them very early on. When nothing else worked out, my doctor recommended going to a fertility clinic.

To that end, I went to many doctor appointments, had many blood draws, ultrasounds, and even surgeries. I finally did get pregnant but one afternoon I started bleeding. At the doctor’s office I underwent an ultrasound, but learned that our baby’s heart had stopped beating. In the end, I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks. I remember feeling that I didn’t deserve the baby after what I had done; in reality I felt defective. I even gave my husband permission to leave me and look for a wife who could have children. I was heartbroken that I couldn’t do the one thing I’d always wanted to be – a mother. It was the most deeply desperate time of my life, the lowest point I’d ever experienced. I was a dysfunctional, emotional wreck. I felt as if my heart was physically broken. After the miscarriage I decided that it was best not to try to get pregnant again, because it was too hard when it failed time after time. I felt shame, guilt and regret about having those abortions. And I simply couldn’t forgive myself.

When my oldest niece became pregnant, I was privileged to accompany her to doctor appointments. I’m thankful that I got to share such a special time with her. I was thrilled to hear her baby‘s heartbeat, and be there to see her ultrasound done. Technology today is absolutely amazing, producing 3-D images that make it clear that it’s a human baby and not just a blob of tissue. I was even able to be with her during her labor and delivery. What an extraordinary experience to witness the birth of my beautiful great-niece! I was actually pregnant and had one of my abortions when my sister had been pregnant with that niece. I have now told my niece about the abortion and that she has a cousin who would have been born around the same time she was.